I'm Simon Haynes, programmer and author. Welcome to my website.

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What do I write?

The Hal Spacejock Series (Teen/Adult)


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New Release!


H2 2018



A Portion of Dragon and Chips Book One

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The Robot vs Dragons series of fantasy comedy novels by Simon Haynes


1. A Portion of Dragon and Chips (Jul/Aug 2018)


2. A Butt of Heads (Aug/Sept 2018)


3. A Pair of Nuts on the Throne (Sept/Oct 2018)




Those dark, gritty, fantasy series would be much better with a large dollop of humour. Here's the dollop!


When a battered old robot washes up on the shores of the Old Kingdom, it signals the end of a fragile alliance between the four ancient Houses. It turns out dragons are really tasty, and having filleted, boned and baked their scaly allies to the very brink of extinction, no single House can hope to win out against the other three.
Into this shaky impasse steps the mechanical man, impervious to crude weapons, magic, suspicious wedding feasts, poisoned wine, and fire of any colour, be it wild, angry or just slightly annoyed.
Each House stakes their claim to the mechanical marvel, convinced the mysterious creature will lead them to a crushing victory against the others once they teach it to fly. And breathe fire. And, you know, ignore the Three Laws.
It's just a pity none of them thought to ask the robot what it wants.


Featuring Clunk - the beloved robot from the Hal Spacejock series - as well as the oddball protagonists from The Desolator, this novel promises to bring you the biggest laughs of the year.

If you'd like a taste of what's in store, grab a copy of The Desolator here.

Join my mailing list for a regular newsletter with progress reports on this series! As a bonus you'll get a free audiobook narrated by Simon Haynes.




FAQ (Updated May 2018)

What's it about?
If you've read the description above, you know as much as I do. I can tell you it will feature several characters from The Desolator, my fantasy/comedy short.

Sounds cool, when will this be released?
Writing it now, and you can pre-order your copy (see links above.) I've estimated a release date of August 20, 2018, but I'm certain it will be released up to a month sooner than that.

Where did you get the idea for this madness?
April 2018. April 1st, to be exact. I put together a joke cover for the book and announced it on social media. Within three hours I realised I was going to have to to write it.

Can't you just write more Hal Spacejock?
Hal Spacejock 9: Max Damage is already planned. In fact, I have Hal Spacejock novels planned all the way up to #22, but that's too scary to contemplate.

Will Hal Spacejock and Clunk appear in this novel?
Are you kidding? Clunk is the STAR of this novel! As for Hal ... who knows?



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